


There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Onions)

by shrek



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Shrek Series
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-12 11:22:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2107935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrek/pseuds/shrek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU!!!!!!!!!! Angel's curse is finally broken - he can have pure happiness without becoming evil! Are things really as pleasant as they seem? Is there a catch to this apparent freedom? Is it all a trick? Can Buffy and Angel truly be together now? Will Shrek ruin everything? Read and find out. Takes place after the BTVS series ends!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. He's An Angel

"Buffy!" Angel shouted. Buffy turned around, surprised to see Angel. 

"Angel?" she said. 

Angel approached Buffy. Within no time, he was right at her side. "Buffy! I have some great news!" he said ecstatically. 

Buffy appeared slightly confused, but happy to see Angel, as she had not seen him since Sunnydale collapsed. "What is it, Angel?"

"The curse is removed! I can have happiness without becoming evil. We can be together!" 

Buffy didn't say a word. She couldn't. She embraced Angel in her arms, hugging him so tightly that one might have expected him to turn to dust. 

"Oh, Angel, this is great!" Buffy finally found herself able to say as she leaned her head into Angel's chest. She leaned up to kiss him. They started making out and were about to do _the do_.

Buffy Summers jerked awake in her bed. Once she realized she had been dreaming, she started yelling things like "NOO!! Bring it back!" and attempted to fall back asleep. 

Buffy's attempt to return to dreamland was taken to a halt when she suddenly smelled sulfur. She cringed her nose and said "Sulfur?" aloud to herself. She began to hypothesize, in her mind, about which kind of demon or supernatural entity the scent must belong to. All of this thinking stopped when she heard a sound which resembled an out-of-tune trombone. She turned her head to see a huge green man beside her. It was Shrek.

Shrek gently opened his eyes and gave a soft chuckle. "Excuse me!" he said coyly. He yawned like a baby elephant and then rolled over and went back to sleep. Buffy was so confused and disgusted, she immediately got out of bed. 

"What the hell is Shrek doing here?!" she asked. The rest of the house was empty. "Hello?" she said to no one. Suddenly she realized.. _this is not my beautiful house..this is not my beautiful wife.. this is Shrek and I'm in Shrek's swamp! What's going on here..?!_

She picked up Shrek's onion phone and dialed Giles' number. He answered. 

"Buffy, where are you? We've been looking all over for you." Giles said in typical Giles manor. 

"I.. I don't know. I'm.." Buffy hesitated. She didn't want to say she was in Shrek's swamp! 

"I just don't know where I am. Giles, I need help. I want to go home. I'm scared." Buffy said. 

"I'm sorry, Buffy, but there's nothing I can do. I'll start researching as much as I can, and I'll get the gang to help. We'll trace the call, we'll find you. Just.. be careful, wherever you are." Giles told her. 

"Yeah, got it. Thanks Giles." she replied, and then hung up the onion/phone. 

Before she could do anything else, Shrek appeared in the doorway, wearing nothing but an oversized, stained, hole-covered, white t-shirt and what appeared to be black lacy lingerie underneath. 

"Good morning, lass. You're lookin' Shrektacular. If you don't mind me braggin'," Shrek began as he checked himself out in a full-length mirror, "I'm lookin' quite Shrexy myself, heh-heh." Shrek giggled and kissed Buffy on the cheek. Buffy had about as much of this as she could take. Shrek's kiss was slobbery and slimy, and left bits of onions on her face. "Wouldn't you agree, Mrs. Shrek?" 

"Huh?" Buffy replied. She _had_ to find a way out of here, pronto. 

"Do ya think I'm Shrexy?" Shrek began to sing, "If you want my body, come on sugar, let me know" 

Buffy didn't wait for Shrek to finish his song and ran away, busting down the swamp door. 

"Was it the t-shirt?" Shrek asked himself. The shirt had a faded image of George Costanza from Seinfeld. He took it off and threw it across the room, so that he was only wearing Rocky Horror Frank-N-Furter style black lingerie. With bare feet, he headed out the doorway to chase after Buffy. 

"BUUUFFY!!! DARLING!! IT'S SHREK!! YOUR BIG GREEN OGRE!" he shouted to her. He giggled a mighty Ogre giggle. "Is this a game, B? You know I like games." Shrek shouted and then slapped his own ass in excitement. 

Buffy watched as those huge, wrinkly green ass cheeks giggled. It was hypnotic. 

\---

Buffy broke away from Angel's hug. "NO! ANGEL! IT CAN NEVER BE!!" 

"What do you mean, Buffy? My curse is gone." Angel replied, still embraced in Buffy's arms. 

"SHREK! I've just had a vision during this embrace. A slayer vision. I can't.. We can't. It can never be. I'm sorry, Angel. But.. Shrek!!" 

"I understand.." Angel replied in a Scottish accent. 

"What? How could you possibly understand?" 

`All Star` by Smash Mouth began to play out of nowhere, volume increasing with every line of the song. Soon, it was deafeningly loud. Glass on windows began to break. Angel removed his costume to reveal his true form.. Buffy couldn't believe it! 

"It's you!" she said, shocked. 

"Shh.. it'll all be ogre soon."


	2. SHREKBOT 3000

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shrekening continues. It's never ogre for Buffy.. Or is it?

"I AM SHREKBOT 3000!" the un-masked entity revealed itself, speaking in a monotonous tone. 

Buffy looked at the thing. It looked like a stereotypical robot. Metal body, poorly painted a pale green. Two loosely-hanging ogre ears on each side of its square-shaped robot head. A rectangular mouth that lights up when it speaks. You know, a stereotypical robot, straight out of a 1950s science fiction b-movie. It even had metal claw/pincer 'hands'. 

"I AM SHREKBOT 3000" it repeated. 

"Yeah, I got that the first time." Buffy said with a hint of sarcasm. This was probably one of the most ridiculous-looking things she had ever faced. "So what happened to the other 2999 Shrekbots?" 

"ONION!" Shrekbot began to chant. "ONION. ONION. ONION. ONION. ONION!" it kept repeating. 

"ALRIGHT! Enough!" Buffy kicked its head off. The chanting stopped. 

"Hawhawhawhaw!!" an evil laugh was heard. Buffy turned around to see Shrek with a curled black mustache and a Satan-esque goatee. Shrek was twirling his mustache with his finger. "So!" Shrek said in a nasally voice. "You've discovered my robot! Blast! I was certain it would have fooled you." 

Buffy was just so tired of this, that she didn't even bother to battle the ogre. She left. She went back to her home. "I'm not the only slayer anymore," she told herself. "One of the other slayers will just have to slay.. Shrek. God this is so ridiculous!" Buffy's phone rang.

"Hello?" 

"Buffy."

"Angel?"

"I need to talk to you. Can I come over?"

"Yes, of course!" 

Angel hung up the phone. 

Buffy looked at the phone. "Goodbye Angel." she muttered. 

She heard mechanical footsteps outside of her door. "Not again!!" The stench of burning onions filled the air. 

"IT IS I, ANGEL" a robotic voice said after it pounded on the door. "LET ME IN. ANGEL IS HERE." 

"Buffy, what's going on out there" Angel said. 

Buffy jumped a bit. "Angel! Don't sneak up on me like that. How'd you get in here? Sewer system?"

"Yeah. What's that at the door?" he asked. 

"I AM ANGEL. LET ME INSIDE." the robot continued to shout in its monotonous robot voice. 

Angel and Buffy shared a look which indicated that they both understood what needed to be done. 

"I AM NOT A ROBOT, I AM ANGEL. ANGELS CANNOT LIE. LET ME INSIDE." 

Buffy and Angel tried not to laugh at the robot. Buffy opened the door, and immediately lost all of her laughter. 

"Alright! Which of you is the real Angel?!" she demanded. 

"Buffy, are you joking?" Angel said. 

"IT IS I. ANGEL. BUFFY I AM ANGEL. THE OTHER IS AN IMPOSTOR. Bu......." 

The robot appeared to have run out of battery power. "NEED.. ONION.." 

Its heavy metal body collapsed in Buffy's living room. 

\----------

Meanwhile in Shrek's lair, evil mustachioed Shrek and regular Shrek were battling to the death. It was all going to be ogre soon. In no time, Shrek seemed to have defeated Evil Shrek and pressed the big red button in the lair which disabled all SHREKBOTs. Shrek jumped up with his fist in the air, apparently stuck there, 80s movie freeze-frame style, and "We Are The Champions" by Queen began to play. After the first couple of minutes of the song, Shrek began to wonder what was going on. 

\---------

"Now, what was it that you needed to tell me, Angel?" Buffy asked the vampire. 

"I'm free of my curse. I can experience pure happiness without becoming evil!" Angel exclaimed to her. 

Buffy nearly fainted.

**Author's Note:**

> shrek - shrekbot 3000


End file.
